Hello, lawyers, welcome to episode three of the thriving lawyer. So I really hope that you've been enjoying your summer, and that you've been able to do all the things and be with all the people that bring you joy and happiness. And if you're already back at work, well, I hope that you've been able to keep work in its rightful place as just one aspect of a much broader, richer life. And regardless of whether you're getting back, or getting ready to return to work, perhaps as the kids go back to school, I hope you've had the opportunity to reflect on the year that was and begin to set your dreams, your goals or intentions for the coming year.
Now in this episode, I thought that what I would talk about is something that has come up in last week's episode. And also that seems to be coming up more and more in conversations that I have with the lawyers that are in my circle, including my coaching clients. That is the insight that for every Yes, that is a no. I think that reflection on this idea is really helpful as we make plans for the coming year. And the reason that I say that is that it enables us to be really intentional about what it is that we're actually saying yes to, and then equally reflecting on what we need to say no to in order to truly thrive. Because so often, I think we don't even consciously think about that. And so we end up taking more and more on without really assessing well, what are the costs to us? What's the impact that it has had?
So what's this idea? Well, it's essentially this idea that for all of us, we all have limited time. And that for everything that we bring into our life, we need to make space for that. It's just a fact, of life. And that means that by virtue of the limits of space and time, for every single thing that we bring in, there will be something that we will no longer be doing that will require leaving certain things behind. We all only have 24 hours a day. And of course, although technically we all experience time, in the same way in that we all have that 24 hours, it isn't equal for us. Of course, in reality, the economic and social structures that we find ourselves in means that the time truly available for us is different. So I'm thinking, for example, in particular about women. Now, even in 2023, in Western cultures, it is still a reality that so many women take on the double shift, they're taking on that mental load with the management of family life or other caring responsibilities. So for them, they're coming to the table with quite a different set of opportunities in what's available for them to say yes and no to. So of course, that's a caveat to this discussion, because we all come from different contexts, different cultural contexts, and experience different vulnerabilities that make us different.
But nevertheless, whether or not we are conscious of it, it is inevitable that we will be saying yes or no to things. And the problem is that when we don't reflect on it, that perhaps we're saying yes or no to the wrong things, or to the wrong combination of things. So for every Yes, there is a no. And if we don't know what's important to us, or we don't know our values, or we haven't reflected on our priorities, then well, what happens is that it is so easy to find ourselves living a life that is not really our choosing.
And you know, that's something that I see in my coaching a lot. You know, sometimes people will come to me in a general sense of ?blah?. In other words, they're not feeling great. They're dissatisfied. They don't know why. Yet they don't really know where to start. And often it comes down to the fact that they actually haven't taken that conscious time to really double down and reflect on what are their most important values and what's important to us.
Now, I think that this topic is really relevant for lawyers. Because so often we are, well, we're highly ambitious bunch, by the very fact that we got into law school that we went through it that we're now practicing. And for those of us climbing through the ranks, we've progressed, well, generally, lawyers are high achievers. And so often what I see is we push ourselves, we always want to improve, we walk working long hours, and it can really easily lead us as I talked about, in my last episode, to getting caught into that doing obsession, we want to achieve so we take on more obligations, we get busier. And then that never ending cycle of demands is created. And what happens then is it just doesn't stop.
We keep inviting more things in, we keep doing more. And perhaps we're not even consciously aware of how much we have turned internalized, being busy as a signifier of success. We get tired, but we can't see a way out. We've not been conscious about what we're saying yes to and what we're saying no to. Or perhaps it's just that we've traditionally accepted certain things as just inevitable, and therefore accepted that there are certain things we'll have to do by virtue of our profession, or certain things that we'll have to say no to, for example, going home from work on time.
Now, I've talked about this a little bit in the last couple of episodes, but I really think it's so fundamental that it bears repeating over and over and over, which is that there has been this culture of overwork in the legal profession, that simply leads to burnout. And it's that constant striving for the next win and achievement. And it is, in my view, ultimately self defeating because ultimately, it can lead to us not performing as effectively as we would otherwise do.
If we were actually more conscious about what we were saying yes and no to and our boundaries of what we're going to accept. Now, I do acknowledge that there is a certain tension here. I think it's really important to emphasize that I'm not saying that ambition is bad. I think ambition and achieving big things is really important.
And our legal work is often important. And sometimes inevitably, that is going to mean, doing the hard yards, you know, just think about a litigation lawyer, when they're on trial, they don't really have the choice to just say, Oh, well, I'm going to do my nine to five and go home. Because the nature of their work has chosen means that when they're in trial, for example, there's just certain realities that are going to flow from that. And also, you know, only think about the nature of the work that we do as lawyers, depending on our who our clients are. Well, justice in our society can depend on it.
So it goes without saying that we want lawyers who work hard, and a high performing. And to some extent, inevitably, doing hard things involves delayed gratification.
So to give you just a little example of that, as I'm recording this on Australia Day, I had a lovely morning of social time enjoying the beach and a cafe breakfast. But now instead of relaxing on my public holiday, I've been doing the hard yards on my coaching practice and business, including preparing and now recording this podcast. So I'm working hard on what's a public holiday. But what I emphasize is that I've deliberately made that choice. And I've also really worked hard, getting coaching myself and being really reflective to make sure that I do have that time to rest and recharge, so that when I do work, and I do rest, I'm using both of those moments, let's say wisely. You know, and I did have that social time this morning. It was beautiful. Last night again, I went to the beach for a lovely swim. So it's not like it's work 24/7.
But nevertheless, I do acknowledge that there's that inherent tension. But that said, I do think that sometimes it can actually be massively overstated. You know, I heard one client a while ago, talk about that inevitable tension and not really knowing whether they wanted a so called balanced life because of their ambition.
But the message that I want to put out there is that actually to be truly ambitious and to perform at your best and actually has to be sustainable in the long term. Otherwise you'll burn out and Just because you work harder doesn't mean that you're working more effectively.
In fact, the inverse has been quite clearly shown in a lot of research. Now, when I'm working with clients about this, a lot of my high achieving clients will use the word balance. And they'll tell me that what they want is a better balance in their lives. Now, if that's their preferred word, I'm quite happy to work with my clients to explore that and to start to create a really vivid picture about what that means to them so that we can then drill down into action items that will really help them.
So if that word resonates with you, then that's perfectly okay. And I don't judge that. But I have to say that personally, I'm not actually a huge fan of the concept of balance. Because to me, what that word signifies is that things are at an even keel at any one time. Now, my own view is that I don't think that that is ever truly the case in life. Rather, I think that at any one time, we're going to have particular priorities, and that those priorities will shift over time, depending on the particular moment, the particular life stage, and a whole lot of factors that we can and can't control. So to my mind, the way I conceptualize it. Since I've been involved in the coaching world, I must say, it's been quite a relatively new insight for me, I view things in terms of being intentional about priorities. So what I prefer and the concept that I'm using sort of as an organizing principle more recently, is this idea of a grounded life.
Now, I've heard groundedness as a concept thrown around a bit in the past, but really, when I have been most attracted to this idea is ever since I read Brad Stulberg recent book, which I've talked about in my newsletters, and previous episodes, because I found it so compelling. His book is about the principles of groundedness. So highly recommend that and I'll refer to it again in the show notes. But to me, and drawing on his ideas, the way that I think of that grounded life now is that it's something that we're never gonna get perfect, you know, I know that I am never going to live a perfectly grounded life, because life just happens. But I do think that what I want to endeavor to foster is a life where I pursue that. And to me, what that means is having a real sense of myself, and what's important to me and my strengths, so that I have that clear sense of stability, which gives me the resilience to navigate through the inevitable challenges of life. And I'd add to that to say also to help me to give me sort of a compass, in terms of what it is that I'm willing to say yes and no to.
So in addition to that concept of groundedness, rather than balance, I think another useful metaphor is that of gas burners, you know, notwithstanding the environmental problems with our gas cookers, it's nevertheless useful to kind of think about the way that on that gas burner, you can turn it up and down, and the flame is very visible. So if you imagine the different parts of your life as a gas burner, well, then you can turn that gas up or down on the relevant part of your life. So perhaps at a particular time, you are going to focus on your career, and you're going to turn that burner up. And it might mean that you've got a little bit less time to deal with the other parts of your life that are important to you. But perhaps there's an area of life, even during that time, like health and wellbeing, where you're going to need to keep it going, even if it's on low to medium. And other times, you might increase that to high, but it's gonna have to be under some level, because that's going to be a key lever of sustainability of the rest of it, you know, your work life, the way that you show up to your family and your friends in your community are going to be significantly impacted if you completely ignore that other part of life. I know for myself, that's something that I'm such a bookish kind of person that I can really easily live in my head. So that's been one of the big changes that I'm trying to really implement now is that focus. And I see that, you know, with my clients too, that's something that easily goes in the rush as soon as things get busy. And the other thing is that the family and the work burners, or for those that are single, or without children, it might be the work and the personal life social burners that can really come into conflict.
And so, you know, if we draw back to that idea of groundedness again, I think we can change the conversation so that the focus becomes about not being in balance. If not everything on an even keel at any time, but rather focusing on what's important to you at that time, well, at that time, with an emphasis on Well, what do you need, as well, so that things keep ticking over and that you can actually thrive and prosper. And in my experience, this is where coaching can really help.
And it's some of the favorite stuff that I love working with people on. Because what a good coach can help you work on is helping you identify your values, your strengths, look at what gives your life meaning and purpose. And when I say purpose, it doesn't have to be that grand capital P purpose of what you're going to do for the rest of your life. But it can just be consistent with your values. And then really help you take those principles and put in place goals and practices to make that a reality. Now, what I found with my coaching clients is that an important thing that comes up in our coaching is, with the knowledge of what is important to them back to that fundamental theme of this episode, which is well, given what they value, given what's important to them, given what gives them meaning and purpose, what is it that they want to say yes to right now? And what is it that they're going to say no to? What are the things that they're going to eliminate from their life?
And an interesting part of this, is that inevitably, to, what I find is that the conversation ends up going to boundaries. Because really, it's like, well, what are you going to accept, and what are you not going to accept. And when I talk to the lawyers in my circle, and that's whether they're colleagues or friends are my coaching clients, this really does seem to be a common theme. So what I hear all the time, is that people want to be better with their boundaries, particularly in respect of the boundaries that they put in place between the work and the rest of their lives. So often, what I hear about lawyers working really long hours, and not being able to properly disconnect when they try to. So even when they're at home in the evenings, ostensibly relaxing or being with family, they struggle to keep themselves from their work, email or thinking about law matters. So if time with family or with friends is a challenge, or you have difficulty switching off, have a think - What are you going to say no to to be able to be fully present? Maybe you need to commit to not responding to email or phone calls.
And if clients are doing that setting boundaries about when you will be able to be available and when you won't be available. Or maybe there's some big project that you want to pursue in life, and so that you're going to say no to full time work, that you're going to try and negotiate so that you can get a different deal so that you can work differently. Maybe you want to start a little bit later in your day and finish later. So that you can take your daughter or your son to basketball in the morning or whatever school activity it is that you want to be part of. Or maybe you really do want to step into your career and work on preparing yourself to a promotion so that you're going to sacrifice a couple of activities for a period of time to enable you to do that.
The important thing here is not what you choose, but that it's consistent with what's important to you and what you value. And that when you're doing that assessment about your values, that you're really clear on the impact that it's going to have on you, as well as the impact that it's going to have on those around you. I like to think of that as like the ecology of your goal. Getting involved, your stakeholders and those around you thinking about who it's going to impact and how it's going to work. Like if you're going to prioritize something or what are you saying no to that is going to impact someone else? Is that the right thing. As soon as you start using that kind of framework, and being very intentional and deliberate, it begins to allow you space to not be just caught up with life.
So many of us just sort of go with the flow, we get taken by sort of what becomes available without actually being deliberate. Now, of course, there's no doubt that there are things that are out of out of our control. But there's also an awful lot that is in our control. And that is where the world of coaching comes in. Because it's all about asking questions so that we can take action and be responsible for our own decisions, be really intentional about it.
Now, speaking more generally, I just want to make the point that I think that it's a really interesting time in the world and for the legal profession for us to be asking some of these questions. I think that an interesting consequence of the pandemic has been that, well, a lot of us have said no to a whole lot of things that we used to take as given, such as the idea that the best model for professionals who do intellectual work was to be in the office every day. I know that when I think about the transformation in my own life, and how different it is now, what has become possible for me to say yes to would have been simply unimaginable in 2019. But now seems so obvious, and so possible, but it's only because the world changed. And then I said no to certain things and made some big changes, that I've now been able to say yes to a whole lot of different choices. So as we continue to explore what this post lockdown world, I won't call it post COVID. Because COVID is very much still around. But as we explore this post lockdown world, and we've been emerging over the past year, and testing the waters, navigating the social and work changes that have swept our societies, I think that there's a particular opportunity to really reflect now and take advantage of the changes in thinking about the kind of lives we want to have.
So that leads me to the question, what are you going to say yes or no to in 2023? I really encourage you to take take a little bit of time out, it's a good little question to write. If you can find yourself even 20 minutes or half an hour with a journal. It's a good idea, just jot down Have a think What are you going to say yes to? What are you going to say no to? If you really want to go deep, I think it's really important that you have a very clear understanding of your most important values.
So if you'd like to explore that, I'm more than happy to have a conversation with you to see if we can work on that. So you know, if you'd like to explore this more, please get in touch. You can email me at [email protected]. Now I also have a weekly newsletter called the thriving lawyer. I'll put the link in the show notes, I'd love you to sign up for regular ideas and tips of how to thrive as a lawyer. I'd also love you to follow this podcast if you haven't already. And if you like what you hear, please leave a review because it really helps me share the message.
And as we enter February, I have space to give a couple of people, some intensive coaching, perhaps a half day intensive, which could be virtual or physical depending on where you are. And what we can do is help you double down on your priorities and help you put place sorry help you put in place the structures to help you make them a reality. So that you can be really clear about what it is that you're saying yes to and equally crystal clear about what is a big no. So till next time lawyers be well.
